death is causing so much pain in person life coz its sudden and its hurtful ,,my sudden fear was loosin one of my beloved ones for death i layed in my bed so many night thinkin of many ways and so possibilities of how it may occure how it will strike but i alwayes ended up in tears and swallow face in da morning ,,
i guess there is no ending for my imagination u may ask who is that crazy sick person who keep thinking of things like that befor sleeping but i guess no one can control his mind its wild goes every where like achild and the more u asked him to not go there the more he wanted to go there,,
yes we all have our fears and no matter howmuch we tried to over come it we wont be prepared when its there coz its always nothing as we imagined and we r so indeep wiz our toughts that sometimes its right in front of us but we cant see it coz we r thinking it will hit us from the back so we alwayes look back as we r smart enough not to let it happen that we let it happen the easy way.
i opened my eyes in 6/6/1988 monday as my mami keep saying dawn by the way and i could see my mami eyes only coz we were away from home and as i opened my eyes not seeing my dad i will close them not seeing him as i used to close them everyday wizout seeing him..when we were back i was 2 years old and so many stories but my dad was never home i kept thinking its me or my sis..i kept crying and for 17 year i kept saying''am not that bad''iam not and i kept try to prove it when i get bored and stop trying i realized that is my mami fault he left he couldnt stand the hell atmosphere and for 3 years i belived it ,year ago i discovered wt was so obvious its him ,,he no matter wt was going to leave coz he had the opportunity but he still leaves and wake away..it kept happing to me in very small situation that i didnt realize that its all goin on in acircle i live in and it hit me NO MATTER WHAT HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE
i didnt care and i didnt blame him for being him and i could understand his unspoken reasons i even got the reasons set up and analyzed for him pushing me away for him not lookin at me and not wanna hear my voice somethings i did compined wiz somethings i didnt along wiz our nature and formed aperfect reason of how he never mean it and its out of his hand,
everytime he made me cry i find the reason to go back in the place where am dreaming of him loving me someday
of him lookin at me one morning and smile ,,actually look at me and smile .i even begged the days to slowdown to give him sometime to realize that am here and i love him so much and i wish he and me once compined wiz a laugh but my dreams never come true and i didnt care i kept waiting and thinking if he couldnt love me who will?i mean he is my dad him loving me should be natural..if he couldnt look at me who will?who wanna be ??and i keep thinking so
so as i was going around and around in the circle of my live and finally realized the truth that hit me right between the eyes ,i got to discover 2day thati had another circle going on and i hope i will stop going around it after i realize it its that thinking alot of loosinthe members of my life i got to know that i already lost one of them i kept dreaming of someday i wake up and my dad isnt alive anymore or one of my sis could get hit by a car or mami someday will just not open her eyes to wake up and yieled at me i realized that today i lost my father fo live yes i kept i may loosing him for death befor he love me but i discovered me living in that fear and alwayes thinking of one thing i have lost my dad for the damn life we are living,,again am not balamin him and i can understand how he think and how he should feel am not the perfect and even not close to wt he is thinkin of how i should be cosidering me being his child he tried but i failed and maybe he didnt wanna me succed,,
today i have got anew friend the painful truth that i have lost my father while he was right in front of my eyes,,and i thank GOD it wasnt death that take him away coz i can stand him not standing to look at me but i cant stand the world wizout him in it even if that mean i should get hurt every second by his looks and acts 2wards me even if that mean that i will never ever believe anyone could love me coz i had so much love for him i cant just let go and i have areason not to that i will never loose love i unconditionly give to my family nomatter wt happen from them i swear i will alwayes love them as i may never love again and my dad is in this package ..
today 2/4/2010,12:11am i have lost my father and i shall never try to win hin back and i pray to GOD that my days here will pass peacfully wizout any contact wiz him coz i dont wanna be hurt by him again this part of loving him is over ijust cant stand another cut in my heart coz it hurt and i cant forget even when the memory is gone the pain keep hanging around even when i cant remember when or where i can feel it in my heart i swear its no words its how i feel and am so tired am so tired its hard for me to watch him doing it over and over and it seem like every body has achance but me alittle girl in small beej dress wiz flowers on her hand smiling at the door waiting it to open wont get rest afraid it may open suddenly and she wont be ready in her good looking shape so she kept waiting and as everyone comein and out she never had achance and ......................after 15 years of waiting ayoung 158 cm girl wiz black clothes is going down the staires never looking back even she is slowly moving and sometimes pause but she is going down and will never be back there.even the little girl in her is crying and begging not to go and keep thinking thatshe will have her chance and that she is lovable and that she wanna be in ,,"i wanna be in daddy i tried to be in and cant u think of one thing can get me in even just asecond can i be in i dont wanna let go and i cant stand the pain of ur words to me coz dadddy no one will love me who will love me if u didnt who will give me achance if u didnt" ,,loving u was the dream i may never achieve so as am moving away i wish u all da happeness in the life i wish u the best and will alwayes try to make iti hope i could be there for u but thats something u will never need so i wish u to have the right ppl who will catch u when u fall better than would i have ,,in my heart u will be alwayes there but in small locked room away from my mind and i will never think of us sgain and i will try as hard as i can to stop ur words and actiond from penetrading my soul from nw on i will think of u as air moving air around me GOD help me in this coz it seems so hard in real life but i wont stop trying for u befor me ,,,so peace on the souls we have
