no pain no gain

totta was ablind girl ..normal ordinary girl..nothing special about her except her disability to tell the difference between red and blue..even between her fellowes she is not special in that as the all are..
well totta never mind it and never felt the difference..yes ppl keep mking it abig deal but if i cant see the sun doesnt mean that i cant feel warm..
now and then some journey to school or so come and visite the place ..they sing draw and help translate the book in to brill..well thats helpful but she cant accept how some ppl act like they are homa and they are starnger like if she went to mke tea for herself she find them in the way trying to helpful in the wrong way she is alwayes her and it isnt her first time making tea for god's sake..
she trapped herself in her room everytime any one come ..she cant stand what emotions they bring with them wt ever there intintions are
when she need help in reading some book to write it in brill as not all books she need can find in that languages and if is they are expensive..so help alwayes appear ..some body come and read it to her not alwayes she like them as some came to do the job never get out of the subject never try to have side talk but other always have curiosity ..and she have to handle it
she expected some one soon coz she have some new books to go on with it ..
it was monday morning when she wake up with bad mood she cant get it but who does??she had the news about help in the way and she didnt even mind if it was so silly person coz she cant concentrat and may be she doent even notice..she cant come back later she is not a queen :)
help represent herself in young boy she got the fellin he is tall for his age as his voice came from distance and his voice she like it and she must or she will be trying so hard and she cant bear it nw..
he said hello and short intoduce and off to work..after finishing almost half of it she began to get tired from sitting and she was going to ask for rest when he noticed that and stopped reading ..they had alittle conversation and decided to put off rest of the book for another
day .."she enjoyed it the talkin part" but who care
two days went by and he come again she discovered that even the book have a whole new meaning she was enjoing the words more and tring to type the way he said it and repeat it she never get the same help twice so when he came for the third time she was afraid the fourth it wont be him ...
she got used to him to a voice she doent recognize its face...the last part of the book she decided not to type it she was so convinced that she will never forget it and she will forever and ever memorize it..
so when she set back and didnt take the position he asked why and she said she wont type he seemed surprised but he didnt mind..or does he??coz he was asking her why she is not out there enjoying the party the having and trying to explain was harder that she though..well howa can she reach some on in level he doesnt have ..wtever
he pointed that may be she shouldnt get that mad of little things but in another way she is hiding something getting away from something bigger that cup of tea..
that night she find out that he have point some of this ppl have remarkable laugh some kind of tone in there voices ..the way they talk seems so certain..may be she is not feeling ok may be its not ok ...may be she mind it she is not secure she miss it ..miss something she has never had ..
the next day wasnt any easier as her help didnt show up and the day after some other help came and all that day she had to try to accept it ...and how come she is feeling that empty like some one rip out her heart from her chest..wt law says he had to come??she has never take any paper sayin that he is "yours" never even aa word how could she be so stupid ..
her days seemed all like after that nothing can bring the same joy that she have befor "help" enter her life nothing taste the same every thought she have ends up with him if it isnt start with him...
all after that wasnt fair ..tears come and go with no reason..she had her ups and downs but everything change although it still the same..
after while she got the idea of dont play with fire coz its only will burn u..yes fire have burned all around her ..she doesnt wanna read any more ..all she is thinking about is why and how..why couldnt i print my steps in his life??and how can i always leave my mark??"may be if i wasnt blind" though cross her mind but what she can do?and nw she will get angry from her destiny??
time goes on and she didnt change but she lived with what in her heart can say it can explain it..but she got used to it..and on day help came back and she felt weired suspecious he was the same after all he did nothing wrong so why should he change??
all kind of emotion ..emotions she cant have them in the same time was she happy sure was she sad yes she was ..how did she act??nothing like herself
for aminute she closed her eyes thoes eyes who was alwyes wide open as some day she may see something she closed them coz she didnt wanna see anything cleared her mind and let the wind play with her skin..yes he bring such a joy to her life and meaning she never get..but also pain she cant bear..she got used to what life after him she doesnt need to go through thoes hard days again??
how silly she is right nw who know that she have all of this just coz person entered her life for short period and never give her any hope??
will she accept help coming with fire and burn or close the door??

لا مش كدة

بهرب من عنيك..ايوة بخاف تاخد بالك اصلها باينة اوى وانا مش ممكن اسمح ان غموضى يضيع وان عيونى تفضح كلامى.. وتضيع هيبتى وذكائى.. وان كل ماسكاتى تنهار.. و ان نوايايى تبان وتبقى الحقيقة مش قابلة للجدال.. من نظرة عين توضح الشمس اصل مش ممكن اسمح انى اظهر وابان...
ايوة كذبت..كذبت لما قلت انى نسيت الموبايل وطلعت عشان بس اعرف ابصلك وانت مش واخد بالك وقد اية نظارة الشمس دى انا بحبها ...عشان بسرح براحتى واقول انى مش واخدة بالى..ايوة بقول ان متفرقش معايا..ايوة وجودك زى عدمة ...لا مش بزعل لما تنام وانا مش بنام ولا لما استناك تكلمنى وتتاخر 5 دقايق...عادى جدا عادى انك تهزر مع بنات تانية وان سلامك عليهم ولا بيهزنى ولا بيخنقنى ...
يعنى اية لحظة رومانسية تمسك ايدى ومسمعش حاجة تانية غيرك حتى وانت بتتكلم فى الكورة ولا السياسة والمفروض اموت من الملل وبكون مندمجة جدا وعجبنى جدا كلامك "الى انا مش فهماة"..اصل انا مبحلمش انك تضمنى على نغمات اغنية على سبيل الهزار وانا مقدرش متعلقش بيك اوى كدة واحس انك قريب منى اوى اوى كدة..
يعنى اية اسمع اغانى وتكون كل كلمة ليك وبتعبر عن احساس جوايا واضح جدا؟؟يعنى اية احاول اقطع كل طريق بتوصلة لقلبى و احتمال ان انت تعرف انك مش محتاج ..
ايوة بحب جدا لما بتعمل حاجة وانت مش موافق اوى بس عشان انا عايزة...وبحب ضحكة الرضا الى بحس بية لما تكون حولى..
يعنى اية تزعل او تشيل الهم انا بخاف جدا اسال بخاف يبان فى صوتى القلق والخوف عليك ...اخاف تخونى ايدى وتحضن ايديك واخاف كلامى تتطلع منة كلمة تفضح شوقى اليك...بتعامل انها مشكلة ولازم حل "علاقة عمل" ..