IDEAS

lookin to my steps in the street i felt isolated from the other world .i can hear ppl talk ,walk ,smile and run but in some way i managed to find myself away even when am there.every thing in me move like in slow motion i even think slow the step am talkin in second seems like going on for awhile now .
i know that am not ok something wrong wiz me is going on eatin wiz no desire and breathin wiz adeep sound i start lookin around and found evrything else was goin ok so what is wrong with me??and when my friend tell joke and i started to smile i didnt feel it either i can get that my lips r moving but i cant feel it the sounds seems so far although its right besid me .i didnt want to pay and attention to what was goin on wiz me so i kept thinkin about it only in my mind and as it seems like i was thinkin so loud i tried to think in silence but every time the sound get louder and i can't control it .i started to look around tryin to figure out if the ppl around me is gettin my ideas but it seems like they r not ..
oh..i cant stop it nw it has been week and the situation is getting worth nw every thing i see i must think about it no matter how small it is my thoughts seems to control me i cant stop my mind from workin and it looks like it has stooped everything else around me just so he could only work the fast as he want,,what an evil mind the one i got..
its hell on earth ,,it will never stop.wt will i do it took me 3 min to just blink nw i feel like am not movin at all ..every time am trying to resist this situation and get it normal i loose my fight and get more involved .nw its like am dead body with active brain one tear stood in my eyes for about 10 min. just to start her journey down it took 15 min to reach my check and my hand i didnt even try to move it no use..no use
as i didnt do anything else but thinkin against my well i start to listen to my ideas and i heared myself saying
nw i got ur attention ha??
i couldnt believe it i said ''wt?
i answered
yea,,wt?this is all wt u r going to say ?
i cant say anything else coz i cant get it
and u have never get it and doubt that u would
wt r u talkin about??
am talkin about u?
me !!!am i crazy me is u and u is me ur r my ideas we r one
i dont think so...we r 2 and u always ignored me
i didnt
yes u did
i didnt !!!!
yes u did
i...
oh shut up..u r even ling to urself if we r one u wouldnt do that..
...........
yes..u had me and u didnt do anything about it didnt move in the way we draw it and planned it .i watched u going every way but the right one.i guessed u would wake up but it has been so many years ...where r u going ??
i dont know
then why r u keep movin
i was afraid if i stopped i wont move no more,,so i kept movin every where till i find it
it was there u r the one who choose anther pass and no matter wt i say u didnt care
i didnt notice
no u didnt care
wt am going to do..am tired
i dont know u r on ur own nw
but..
no but am tired too am tired of u
wt?how come my ideas get tired of me??u r mine
i was yours but u lost the way to me and i wont show u the way back..iam done wiz u all wt u r going to do is ignore me again and it will start all over but the next time i wont be that strong .iam gettin weaker and weaker every day u neglect me.
oh,,
yea am dying ...u r killing me
but..but..i have nothing to do
doesnt matter .wt did u do when u had something to do??nothing too
oh god...i cant loose u wt am going to do nw?iam sorry ..iam sorry ,tell me wt am going to do
and i can hear the sound getting fad and i start to move little by little but i didnt wanna let go i kept saying ''wt am going to do ?wt am going to do??''
and i heared it so far away asound so weak wiz words not so clear at the same moment i got my motion and i can move i heared it say
'''make me true..dont let me go'''

الحقيقة ام السراب

جلست وقد اسقطت كل ما لديها من دفاعات وازالت وجة المراة القوية واطلقت افكارها السجينة فى بحر احزانها الجديد ورات بيتها تشتعل بة نيران وهى جالسة لا تتحرك تاركة كل امالها واحلامها بعيدة।جلست بردائها الاسود الصغير تتحامل على الماضى ولا ترى اى مستقبل وحاضرها بنحصر فى وجودها الان فى غرفة صغيرة ولم تستطع التحرك لمجال اوسعولم تهتم لذلك।

دخل ولم تسمع تحركاتة واحست بوجودة يهدد هدوئها ويسحق روحها واحيانا لم تشتطع اخد انفاسها وسمعتة يخاطبها من الغرفة الاخرى يكلمها فلم تسمع يناديها فلم نجيبوطل بهيئتة يرى ما يحدث فتلاقت عيناهما وبعد صمت ادركت انة يتساؤل مابها وان كانت ادركت انة حطم احلامها وامالها سحق ماضيها واظلم مستقبلها؟ان كانت ادركت انة جرح فؤادها والم وجدانها؟وعندما لم يؤتة الجواب من سفاهها فقد تكلمت روحها من اين ومتى؟كيف ومن انا؟

هل انا من احببت وعشقت واردت ومازلت تريد؟هل انا بر شواطئك ودنياك وحاضرك؟هل انا امانك ووجودك؟ام انى مجرد حالة وامر يوجد وسلم بة؟ام انا من تخطيت بة الامك وضعفك فى فترة وانت تنتظر الوصول بامان لشواطئها هى الاخرى ام الاخرى؟؟هل حب حياتها الوحيد لم يكن حقيقى ؟هل كل لحظة حلوة تحمل لها الان فى طياتها الم وكذب بانها مجرد خيال وان الواقع يفرض نكران .هل ليالى سهرها واحلامها وتمنيها بوجودك جنبها قد ضاعت على رجل كان فى ذات الوقت يحلم بغيرها او لم يحلم بها؟

وقفت مهب نظراتة التى لم تجد فيها اجوبتها تتسائل هل هى غلطة قد اسامحك عليها ام انها واقع ولا يوجد مكان لى ولا كان .هل هى نزوة يمحى الزمن اثارها ام هى من الثوابت بدونها تختل دنياة ويتوة فى خطاة ولا ترى عيناة ولا وجود لكيانة ودنياة؟وظلت على حالها معاة تتسائل هل انا الحقيقة ام السراب؟

انا عاااااااايش

انت عايش؟سؤال بس مش اجابتة سهلة اصل انا مش قصدى انك بتتنفس او انك بتصحى كل يوم و انت مش عايز او انك بتاكل وانت مش حاسس.لا انا قصدى انت حاسس انك فى معجزة كونك بتصحى كل يوم وان كل يوم زيادة بالنسبة ليك فرصة جديدة مش مجرد يوم بتتمنى انة بالطول او بالعرض يعدى ولا مجرد كلمة وانا هعمل اية يعنى او انك عملت الى تقدر علية.
طول م انت لسة حاسس انك مش مبسوط مش حاسس بالنعمة ومش حاسس انك عايز حاجة وبتعمل عشان توصلها طول م انت مستسلم لواقع فاكر انة اتفرض عليك من الناس وهو حقيقة اتفرض عليك من نفسك يبقى انت لسة مش عايش..
ممكن تغير كل حاجة انت مش عايزها بحاجة انت عايزها او ممكن تبدا تخلى الحاجة الى انت مش عايزها تعوزها..بس بانك تبصلها بطريقة جديدة غير الطريقة الى انت بتشوفها بيها حالا..ممكن تصحى كل يوم مش عايز تنزل كليتك او شغلك بس بردة ممكن تصحى وانت بتقول انهاردة يوم جميل ولو مش جميل انا بقى هخلية جميل..ممكن تكون كارة حاجة انت بتعملها حالا ومش قادر تغيرها لكن ممكن تبتسم وتبدا تفكر فى حاجة جميلة او توعد نفسك بحاجة جميلة لما تخلص..فكر كدة انك قاعد مش طايق شغلك وانك هتروح انهاردة تعمل حاجة بتحبها مهما كانت انت اكتر حد عارف انت بتحب اية واية بيبسطك يبقى بتبخل لية على نفسك؟انت مش شايف انك تستاهل تكون مبسوط وانك تبدا تغير رايك بان مبسوط وعايش وجهان لعملة واحدة..وانك متستسلمش هو الى هيخليك توصل للعملة دى.
صح مش طول الوقت هتقدر تعمل كدة ومش طول الوقت هتكون مبسوط وفرحان ومش على طول هتبقى مرتاح لكن خلية اقل حاجة يعنى مرو فى السنة كدة"كنوع من التغير يا سيدى"انت ممكن تزعل ربع ساعة وممكن تختار انك تزعل اسبوع وفكر اية الاختلاف هتلاقى انك لو دخلت فى دوامة الحزن هتوة وصعب انك تخرج وانك هتضيع اسبوع كان ممكن فية تعمل حاجات كتير وانت مرتاح وتقابل ناس جديدة ومين عارف كان ممكن فى الاسبوع دة تضحك جااامد لحد متدمع من الفرحة مع ناس جميلة بدل م انت اخترت تدمع من الحزن ولوحدك..
اختار حالا انك تكون كدة ونفذ فى اسرع وقت متستناس متضيعش وقت تانى كفاية متتفرجش على الدنيا من برة وتفضل تخطط تدخلها ازاى ادخل وبعدين فكر هتعيشها ازاى متخافش من التغيير مادام حاسس بية تقبلة .عشان لما اسالك بعد كدة انت عايش تقولى يا بنتى "انا عااااااااااااااااااااايش"وهبقى مصدقاك متحلفش

WAITING

as the days pass i have hold that specific thought in my head and thope in my life i wont be makin abig deal if i said that this dream have made me the person am and i keep waitin........hat i used to dress as well as i could and do my best to be the best i can in every way . wiz flowers in my hands and my red dress ppl used to pass me lookin and smilin at this little girl i was and i stood waitin for my dream i make it all great so when it came it would be the day of my life after all thats wt i lived and survived for and i keep waitin....................
years has gone nw and the little girl has grown up wiz the same dream in her head couldnt let go of it coz it would mean that she would let go of wt made her the person she is so she kept dreamin and waitin but ppl nw when they passes by doesnt smile no more but they have that look that look that kills somethin in me day by day they wont get me and i wont let go and so i keep waitin...................
i had my choice ti live in a dream may come true than face the fact that it may never came coz i can make excuses for u bein late but wt should i do if u didnt came at all??wt would it be like for me iam holdin my hand nw 2geather prayin for god that may dream would came true some day and i have faith so i keep waitin..................
i dont wanna ppl sayin we told u so coz they keep sayin that nw that u wont came and that my dream doesnt wanna be my dream and i have hept waitin and dearmin of illusion and in my heart i know that is true but i cant help feelin pain every time u let me down,so i kept it asecret but i keep waitin.............
i know that i was raised on that dream and that i didnt let go of it and that i have had my heart broken so many times and cant kelp feelin that the reason is may be ma but i hope my dream would wake up befor it too late and discover that i had it all just to make everythin is great and i dont care about the tears and the pain coz in away i have choosen them i dont care about the past and the present i just hope that future would be better and i dont care about bein late just be here i wishh that my dream come true someday some how befor its too late and i keep waitin.................

I BELIEVE

luv is agame we all play it writher we like it or not and we all have been hurt in the name of it some way or onther and even all the ppl who have tried it warned us about it but who havent are do eagre to get in the game as soon as possible ..
i can understand why ppl do that so many reasons to do it and so many reasons to dont do it too thats afact am one of thoes who still waitin the time to come so she would enter the game feel luv and to be luved ...
talkin about myself sometimes i envey ppl i see in luv i know that am not seein the whole truth and maybe they arent doin ok but i keep the thought that if they werent doing ok it still ok coz they are not doin ok 2gether and thats much better than not doin ok alone,,got it??
yea i luv to keep my thoughts about luv so alive coz i know someday i will let go of it so i wanna enjoy it as much as i can so i wont blam myself oneday that i didnt try or i put myself into this situation by not believin or lettin go wiz out tryin my best ,i just wanna blame someother person but me my friends coz me is tired from takin all the blam for everythin that happened or didnt happed ..
and i do believe in first things like first luv first look first smile first word first thought and so
on....first night keep thinkin ,first i luv u missed u
i have my own believe that every one have someone complete him and every one have something deserve to be loved about it and its ablessin no one should be kept away from it
they r talkin about luv and feelin safe when u r in luv alwayes smile and never know why,sometimes i think am crazy and thats not how its goin to work ??like i know that when am in luv wiz some one then when i see him my heart might stop beating and i wont know wt to say or it will appear wt iam trin to hide.
is it that beautiful as i think my friends even in hte first ??will i ever feel that way even for alittle time??coz i dont mind as i will luv forever that i promise no matter wt happen i will alwayes think of the smiles and will never let go coz i luved i will never say goodbye to the one who luved me back once and no matter wt iam sure we will bass i dont know how but i promise i will try thats wt luv is all about i think??no matter wt i feel about u nw and maybe i dont like wt am in to
i will hold my peaceAND MY QUESTION IS?WILL IT EVER HAPPEN I PRAY TO GOD THAT HE GAVE ME THE PERSON WHO WILL NEVER STOP LUVIN ME NO MATTER WT ANDTO KEEP FAITH IN OUR HEARTS AND BELIEVE IN OUR EYES TO GET THROUGH LIVE 2GETHEAR NO MATTER WT HAPPEN WE CAN FIND THE SMILE IN EVERY LITTLE THING WE SEE,,,,AMEEN

HALF ASTORY

they all was talkin about how much i luved her when i was ababy and that i couldnt stay away from her that when she go to work i kept cryin all day and never eat or move till she is come back that her friends wasnt wanna me to stay wiz them as they were afraid that may be somethin bad happen to me...
this days we werent at egypt so we had no body but eachother i depended on her but that was normal and she depended on me and we got it through,,when we got egypt i didnt know anyone even my dad and i didnt care as long as she was her but she had to go and this time wiz out me and that broke both of us so it wasnt long when she called me and asked me to say the truth if i wanna her back and i couldnt hold it no more and start to cry that i wanna u back and she applied my demand as she used to,and thats when i start to remember every min. wiz her i didnt need no one to tell me ..
she had no one from the day she was born her mami passed away and her dad got married and got children and other life she wasnt welcome in it but she tried so hard and she failed .when she got married she wasnt that lucky either it wasnt somebodies fault but she didnt get anything of wt she deserve or hoped for it,,she got us 3 poor little girls ...and we were aload more than ahelp to give,but she used to say that she asked god as she was alone to give her the friend and the sis and the daughter,,and here we are as she asked god replied..
but never ever i felt that we were anythin near to that we used to hurt her give her sadness and alwayes askin never givin alwayes talkin never listenin alwayes complainin never thankin,,and so her days go on...
i used to hear her sryin at night as ian suddenly awake she kept herself in aroom far from us one day i entered and found her so beautiful dressin awonderful dress and high hells i asked her where r u goin???and she answered am not goin anywhere darlin iam just waitin ur dady..go to sleep
my dady wasnt home he never entered it as long as she were there so many nights but i havent entered the room on her ever again as i was achild i kept thinkin that may be my dad had come and i didnt wanna to meet him i just didnt know him but my dad was and still da best...
u may think that we werent ahappy family but i have never felt that way or that i wanna anythin tell i was grown up as she didnt let that happen at all not even once u may think that i hated my dad or she did but it had never happen till that day she luv him as much as she could as she passes that 2 us she teach us how 2 luv never hate no matter wt nw sometimes i wish she wouldnt raise us like that coz life isnt the same no more neither is ppl,,
u will never imagine how pain she felt and how courage she was u will never guess how could she smiled but she laugh all along,she havent met any one till nw give her anythin '''MY MAMI'''was the one who alwayes give she is agive never atalker and i used to hear her pray 4 that and god replied her answer
yes,,we will never know how much the thing mean to us till its gone or after along time and thats the way it goes i didmt know how much u mean to us or how much we luv u or hoe much was important u r in our lives till u gone and then i have never stopped crying over u ''MAMI''i can awake at night cryin coz i miss u and i learnt how to cry wiz out avoice just like u no one know ''MAMI''
no one knows how sad iam over u and ow much i miss u and how much i luv u they all guess that is the best i can give and that i have limits and alwayes control my emotion but that coz they doesnt know ''MAMI''i kept it asecret even to u coz u may me got worried over me but sometimes u know coz u know me more than i do.
wiz u am adifferent person no laws no limits no thinkin u r the best thing in me when i wanna ppl know me i wanna know me through u coz ur eyes is the only one that can see me i know that i cant get it through to u but ''MAMI'' i love u so much that ur luv for real keep me breathless some times and i need u so much that i cant close my eyes for so many night and i know that every time i talk to u i cant explain myself and i got it all wrong but u know me better and again i luv u...
its not just awords to say i really do feel this wayi have never felt luv till i grow up and descovered my luv to u i will know if i have fall in luv again just besoz i will know that emotions again and i will never luv any one like i luv u .
MAMI U DESERVE ALL DA LUV WORLD CAN GIVE AND MORE AND AS I KNOW U GOT NONE OF IT WHILE U R ALIVE AM SURE U WILL GOT IT IN OTHER LIFE THIS THOUGHT THAT IS WT KEEPS ME ALIVE MUM ........COZ NO ONE CAN GIVE U ANYTHIN U DESERVE BUT GOD SO I PRAY HIM EVERYDAY JUST FOR U AND I KNOW IT WILL ANSWERED