death is causing so much pain in person life coz its sudden and its hurtful ,,my sudden fear was loosin one of my beloved ones for death i layed in my bed so many night thinkin of many ways and so possibilities of how it may occure how it will strike but i alwayes ended up in tears and swallow face in da morning ,,
i guess there is no ending for my imagination u may ask who is that crazy sick person who keep thinking of things like that befor sleeping but i guess no one can control his mind its wild goes every where like achild and the more u asked him to not go there the more he wanted to go there,,
yes we all have our fears and no matter howmuch we tried to over come it we wont be prepared when its there coz its always nothing as we imagined and we r so indeep wiz our toughts that sometimes its right in front of us but we cant see it coz we r thinking it will hit us from the back so we alwayes look back as we r smart enough not to let it happen that we let it happen the easy way.
i opened my eyes in 6/6/1988 monday as my mami keep saying dawn by the way and i could see my mami eyes only coz we were away from home and as i opened my eyes not seeing my dad i will close them not seeing him as i used to close them everyday wizout seeing him..when we were back i was 2 years old and so many stories but my dad was never home i kept thinking its me or my sis..i kept crying and for 17 year i kept saying''am not that bad''iam not and i kept try to prove it when i get bored and stop trying i realized that is my mami fault he left he couldnt stand the hell atmosphere and for 3 years i belived it ,year ago i discovered wt was so obvious its him ,,he no matter wt was going to leave coz he had the opportunity but he still leaves and wake away..it kept happing to me in very small situation that i didnt realize that its all goin on in acircle i live in and it hit me NO MATTER WHAT HE WAS GOING TO LEAVE
i didnt care and i didnt blame him for being him and i could understand his unspoken reasons i even got the reasons set up and analyzed for him pushing me away for him not lookin at me and not wanna hear my voice somethings i did compined wiz somethings i didnt along wiz our nature and formed aperfect reason of how he never mean it and its out of his hand,
everytime he made me cry i find the reason to go back in the place where am dreaming of him loving me someday
of him lookin at me one morning and smile ,,actually look at me and smile .i even begged the days to slowdown to give him sometime to realize that am here and i love him so much and i wish he and me once compined wiz a laugh but my dreams never come true and i didnt care i kept waiting and thinking if he couldnt love me who will?i mean he is my dad him loving me should be natural..if he couldnt look at me who will?who wanna be ??and i keep thinking so
so as i was going around and around in the circle of my live and finally realized the truth that hit me right between the eyes ,i got to discover 2day thati had another circle going on and i hope i will stop going around it after i realize it its that thinking alot of loosinthe members of my life i got to know that i already lost one of them i kept dreaming of someday i wake up and my dad isnt alive anymore or one of my sis could get hit by a car or mami someday will just not open her eyes to wake up and yieled at me i realized that today i lost my father fo live yes i kept i may loosing him for death befor he love me but i discovered me living in that fear and alwayes thinking of one thing i have lost my dad for the damn life we are living,,again am not balamin him and i can understand how he think and how he should feel am not the perfect and even not close to wt he is thinkin of how i should be cosidering me being his child he tried but i failed and maybe he didnt wanna me succed,,
today i have got anew friend the painful truth that i have lost my father while he was right in front of my eyes,,and i thank GOD it wasnt death that take him away coz i can stand him not standing to look at me but i cant stand the world wizout him in it even if that mean i should get hurt every second by his looks and acts 2wards me even if that mean that i will never ever believe anyone could love me coz i had so much love for him i cant just let go and i have areason not to that i will never loose love i unconditionly give to my family nomatter wt happen from them i swear i will alwayes love them as i may never love again and my dad is in this package ..
today 2/4/2010,12:11am i have lost my father and i shall never try to win hin back and i pray to GOD that my days here will pass peacfully wizout any contact wiz him coz i dont wanna be hurt by him again this part of loving him is over ijust cant stand another cut in my heart coz it hurt and i cant forget even when the memory is gone the pain keep hanging around even when i cant remember when or where i can feel it in my heart i swear its no words its how i feel and am so tired am so tired its hard for me to watch him doing it over and over and it seem like every body has achance but me alittle girl in small beej dress wiz flowers on her hand smiling at the door waiting it to open wont get rest afraid it may open suddenly and she wont be ready in her good looking shape so she kept waiting and as everyone comein and out she never had achance and ......................after 15 years of waiting ayoung 158 cm girl wiz black clothes is going down the staires never looking back even she is slowly moving and sometimes pause but she is going down and will never be back there.even the little girl in her is crying and begging not to go and keep thinking thatshe will have her chance and that she is lovable and that she wanna be in ,,"i wanna be in daddy i tried to be in and cant u think of one thing can get me in even just asecond can i be in i dont wanna let go and i cant stand the pain of ur words to me coz dadddy no one will love me who will love me if u didnt who will give me achance if u didnt" ,,loving u was the dream i may never achieve so as am moving away i wish u all da happeness in the life i wish u the best and will alwayes try to make iti hope i could be there for u but thats something u will never need so i wish u to have the right ppl who will catch u when u fall better than would i have ,,in my heart u will be alwayes there but in small locked room away from my mind and i will never think of us sgain and i will try as hard as i can to stop ur words and actiond from penetrading my soul from nw on i will think of u as air moving air around me GOD help me in this coz it seems so hard in real life but i wont stop trying for u befor me ,,,so peace on the souls we have
الخميس، ١ أبريل ٢٠١٠
السبت، ٢٧ مارس ٢٠١٠
U KNOW
i had enough trying to work it out wiz out u,,,they saying better to have nothing than to loose something but i alwayes wanted to have u..any idea of u makes me wanna cry anything reminds me of u make the world better and worst in da same time,i need u and every time i say it i really mean it then u dont show up and things work out and i start to wounder when will things not working out till u show up when da world stop moving till u r here ..
and when am so sad i confess its u who will make it better ,,its u ,u r the answer to my prayers but then i smile then i laugh then i move on wiz my life wizout u and i start to wounder when will i see u..when will it be dark and no light in it till u came,
sometimes i cry alot and i cant take my breath and sometimes i dont wanna to take it this thing that keep me alive that i do wizout aquestion,when this happen i cant see or think my mind is so closed and i cant imagine areason to live but the fair of GOD's well and punishment..i keep trying not to make asound and to get control on my own then i remember someday i dont have to try so hard coz u will be here trying wiz me and u will succed so i closin in my body as am being hold and keep husshing myself as u may told ,,try to close my eyes as u may suggest and when am calm and nolonger feel u around i found myself survive wizout u and i think its so silly wt i did and i hate it ,strange how i do resisit life wizout u but its me who is going on wiz it fine wizout u in da same time ..
i started to question ur present and that make it hard nw i dont even know if u really exist or that it will be u who make me cry the next time and that it wont be ur arms that calm me down but ur words or action that cut me open..
and other times i think that i dont really need u and that its going to work just how its going nw and life goes on wizout me knowing wt is the idea of u and wizout me tasting it but its not my biggest fear,,
iam afraid of not knowing you,,yet soooooo afraid of meeting u
and when am so sad i confess its u who will make it better ,,its u ,u r the answer to my prayers but then i smile then i laugh then i move on wiz my life wizout u and i start to wounder when will i see u..when will it be dark and no light in it till u came,
sometimes i cry alot and i cant take my breath and sometimes i dont wanna to take it this thing that keep me alive that i do wizout aquestion,when this happen i cant see or think my mind is so closed and i cant imagine areason to live but the fair of GOD's well and punishment..i keep trying not to make asound and to get control on my own then i remember someday i dont have to try so hard coz u will be here trying wiz me and u will succed so i closin in my body as am being hold and keep husshing myself as u may told ,,try to close my eyes as u may suggest and when am calm and nolonger feel u around i found myself survive wizout u and i think its so silly wt i did and i hate it ,strange how i do resisit life wizout u but its me who is going on wiz it fine wizout u in da same time ..
i started to question ur present and that make it hard nw i dont even know if u really exist or that it will be u who make me cry the next time and that it wont be ur arms that calm me down but ur words or action that cut me open..
and other times i think that i dont really need u and that its going to work just how its going nw and life goes on wizout me knowing wt is the idea of u and wizout me tasting it but its not my biggest fear,,
iam afraid of not knowing you,,yet soooooo afraid of meeting u
الأحد، ٢١ مارس ٢٠١٠
عن اقتناع كل حاجة ربنا ادهالنا نعمة ومش محتاجة انا اتناقش فى نعم ربنا ولا حكمة الكون لانة موضوع زى دايرة ملوش نهاية وبيلف حول حاجة واحدة هى ان حكمة المون دى بتاعت ربنا ....
لكن انا اكتشفت انى مش بحب الكلام...مش انكار منى لنعمة ربنا ادهالى اعوذ باللّة لكن انا فعلا الكلام بيسببلى اكتئاب "ودة تبع للشخصية اكيد"بس انا كل مرة اتكلم فيها مهما كان الشخص او المكان او الزمان او نوع الحوار باختلاف كل المعايير الى ممكن تتصورها بينتهى الموضوع بانى اخرج من الحوار حزينة و مكتئبة عشان اتكلمت ...ان اى كلمة مهما كانت معناها او كدة انى اتكلمها لازم افتح لنفسى تحقيق تصور انت فى قاعدة مع اصحابك لمدة ساعتين بتتكلم قد ايةو تخيل ان بيتحقق معاك بعد القاعدة الكول دى فى كل حرف نطقتة...
وكل حرف يكون كلمة وكل كلمة تحتوى على كذا معنى ودة تبع الغاية وطريقة انطق و الجملة السابقة واللاحقة للكلمة والتى تؤكد او تنفى معناها....صداااااااااااااااااااااااااااع
بحس ان بعد كل حوار او قاعدة مع الناس واشارك فيها بالكلام انى بخسر جزء من نفسى ان حاجة فيا بتموت و بحس بحزن غريب انا مش كئيبة فى الطبيعى لكن طبعا ليا اوقاتى بس لو كنت فى قمة الفرح كلامى بيقتل مودى ويقضى على سعادتى..
وتقولولى طب اخرسى ومتوجعيش ولا دماغنا ولا دماغك بس انا بنسى نفسى فى محاولة منى انى اكون اجتماعية وفى حوار و ان فى قاعدة انا موجودة فيها الكلام والضحك ميقفش و النقاش جدى او هزلى يكون موجود فببدا قصص وروايات وهكذا..........ز
انهاردة فكرت انى لو كنت خرساء كان حل امثل لمجنونة زيى فين وفين لما هتشاور وحد ياخد بالى انا مش متخيلة انى امقت تعمة غيرى بيتمناها انا مش بنكر فضل ربنا عليا...بس انا محتاجة اتعالج وبما انى طبيبة نفسى فانا شايفة انى كونى خرسا الحل الامثل..
احب اسمع الناس و افهمهم و افكر فى كلامهم واسلوبهم واحب اتفرج على التعبير الى بيصاحب كلامهم ...
صحيح اوقات بكرة الكلام واسلوب الحوار زى اى حد بس مش قد انى حتى اقول حاجة والناس تضحك قد مبكون مبسوطة جدا ان الناس حولى عرفوا يلاقوا ابتسامة لكن بكرة الى قلتوا و بشوف انوا جرح حد و اذا ملقتش حد خالص يبقى انا ...
وفيها اية منتكلمش فيها اية نسمع بس و نتعامل بالتعبير يعنى اضحك لما افرح و امثل تكشيرة صغيرة لما ازعل و تروح مع ابتسامة كبيرة مليا عينية و الى ادامى بيبررلى الكلام الى اكيد مكنش قصدوا يزعلنى و لما احب ابوس واحضن ولما اكرة اسلم من بعيد ..
انا مش عايزة اكون انا مش عايزة اتكلم ومش عايزة انافق ولا اكدب تانى ابدا فى حياتى ومش عايزة افكر فى الناس وحش و مش عايزة اخاف ولا اغضب ربنا.......وبس
لكن انا اكتشفت انى مش بحب الكلام...مش انكار منى لنعمة ربنا ادهالى اعوذ باللّة لكن انا فعلا الكلام بيسببلى اكتئاب "ودة تبع للشخصية اكيد"بس انا كل مرة اتكلم فيها مهما كان الشخص او المكان او الزمان او نوع الحوار باختلاف كل المعايير الى ممكن تتصورها بينتهى الموضوع بانى اخرج من الحوار حزينة و مكتئبة عشان اتكلمت ...ان اى كلمة مهما كانت معناها او كدة انى اتكلمها لازم افتح لنفسى تحقيق تصور انت فى قاعدة مع اصحابك لمدة ساعتين بتتكلم قد ايةو تخيل ان بيتحقق معاك بعد القاعدة الكول دى فى كل حرف نطقتة...
وكل حرف يكون كلمة وكل كلمة تحتوى على كذا معنى ودة تبع الغاية وطريقة انطق و الجملة السابقة واللاحقة للكلمة والتى تؤكد او تنفى معناها....صداااااااااااااااااااااااااااع
بحس ان بعد كل حوار او قاعدة مع الناس واشارك فيها بالكلام انى بخسر جزء من نفسى ان حاجة فيا بتموت و بحس بحزن غريب انا مش كئيبة فى الطبيعى لكن طبعا ليا اوقاتى بس لو كنت فى قمة الفرح كلامى بيقتل مودى ويقضى على سعادتى..
وتقولولى طب اخرسى ومتوجعيش ولا دماغنا ولا دماغك بس انا بنسى نفسى فى محاولة منى انى اكون اجتماعية وفى حوار و ان فى قاعدة انا موجودة فيها الكلام والضحك ميقفش و النقاش جدى او هزلى يكون موجود فببدا قصص وروايات وهكذا..........ز
انهاردة فكرت انى لو كنت خرساء كان حل امثل لمجنونة زيى فين وفين لما هتشاور وحد ياخد بالى انا مش متخيلة انى امقت تعمة غيرى بيتمناها انا مش بنكر فضل ربنا عليا...بس انا محتاجة اتعالج وبما انى طبيبة نفسى فانا شايفة انى كونى خرسا الحل الامثل..
احب اسمع الناس و افهمهم و افكر فى كلامهم واسلوبهم واحب اتفرج على التعبير الى بيصاحب كلامهم ...
صحيح اوقات بكرة الكلام واسلوب الحوار زى اى حد بس مش قد انى حتى اقول حاجة والناس تضحك قد مبكون مبسوطة جدا ان الناس حولى عرفوا يلاقوا ابتسامة لكن بكرة الى قلتوا و بشوف انوا جرح حد و اذا ملقتش حد خالص يبقى انا ...
وفيها اية منتكلمش فيها اية نسمع بس و نتعامل بالتعبير يعنى اضحك لما افرح و امثل تكشيرة صغيرة لما ازعل و تروح مع ابتسامة كبيرة مليا عينية و الى ادامى بيبررلى الكلام الى اكيد مكنش قصدوا يزعلنى و لما احب ابوس واحضن ولما اكرة اسلم من بعيد ..
انا مش عايزة اكون انا مش عايزة اتكلم ومش عايزة انافق ولا اكدب تانى ابدا فى حياتى ومش عايزة افكر فى الناس وحش و مش عايزة اخاف ولا اغضب ربنا.......وبس
الثلاثاء، ١٩ يناير ٢٠١٠
CAUGHT IN ACTION
standing here in front of you finding my dreams come true.. but with fear in my heart i can't define should i be happy or stay afraid from tomorow,, from the day u will open ur eyes and discover one of many things which will drive u away its like loosing you now or later ...but am loosing u anyway
so i kept talking and joking ,,kept laughing and acting away so far away from the words ur eyes saying and when u look away i stare,i wanna carve this moments forever..i wanna your picture with me all along so i could look at u through my heart not my eyes and u dont catch me fallin deeply in love wiz u ..
i cant stand u hating me and u will..someday we will reach the point which i can't stand .
one day uyou will be standing there in train station lookin at me like am an angle even my bad deeds u like .
wt ironic even me couldnt find my way to fall in love with me wt if u know that am not that sweet angle that your girl can cheat and lie that i talk so much even so i dont look like so.
when u wake up someday and fine ur cat turned to a tiger that i could say and do so many hurtful things to ppl and sometimes i dont mind hurting them so much when they hurt me and that i have teached my heart how to be so crul and i cant forget and forgive wiz me there is no way no road to take ,,,all closed
that the sweet girl which cant stop laughing and joking which could perfectly act like akid and do love playin wiz dolls and watchin cartoon in some of her dreams she cant escape the idea of killing the man who laughed at her sis in da street just coz she is afat girl..drinkin his blood huh
that the sweet girl which a simple idea of u touching her hand can melt her heart and sometimes tears gathering when she thinks how sweet u r to her cant stand the idea of her dad touching her or talking to her cant stand any word from her mum and some times she keep screamin so her voice be the loudest and can hear nothing of wt ppl say...
no more can be said as u lookin at me nw with the sweetest look anybody look at me like u r the peace i always looked for like shinning star in my dark world but again i cant change and am afraid u would caught me in action of being a BEAST***
so i kept talking and joking ,,kept laughing and acting away so far away from the words ur eyes saying and when u look away i stare,i wanna carve this moments forever..i wanna your picture with me all along so i could look at u through my heart not my eyes and u dont catch me fallin deeply in love wiz u ..
i cant stand u hating me and u will..someday we will reach the point which i can't stand .
one day uyou will be standing there in train station lookin at me like am an angle even my bad deeds u like .
wt ironic even me couldnt find my way to fall in love with me wt if u know that am not that sweet angle that your girl can cheat and lie that i talk so much even so i dont look like so.
when u wake up someday and fine ur cat turned to a tiger that i could say and do so many hurtful things to ppl and sometimes i dont mind hurting them so much when they hurt me and that i have teached my heart how to be so crul and i cant forget and forgive wiz me there is no way no road to take ,,,all closed
that the sweet girl which cant stop laughing and joking which could perfectly act like akid and do love playin wiz dolls and watchin cartoon in some of her dreams she cant escape the idea of killing the man who laughed at her sis in da street just coz she is afat girl..drinkin his blood huh
that the sweet girl which a simple idea of u touching her hand can melt her heart and sometimes tears gathering when she thinks how sweet u r to her cant stand the idea of her dad touching her or talking to her cant stand any word from her mum and some times she keep screamin so her voice be the loudest and can hear nothing of wt ppl say...
no more can be said as u lookin at me nw with the sweetest look anybody look at me like u r the peace i always looked for like shinning star in my dark world but again i cant change and am afraid u would caught me in action of being a BEAST***
الضياع يعنى تكون عارف اسمك و تاريخ ميلادك و عارف اهلك و عائلتك و اصحابك ومجتمعك عارف طريقك من المدرسة للبيت و من الكلية للسوبر ماركت ...تبقى عارف اخوات بيفكروا فى اية و عايزين اية و بيحبوا اية وتكتشف فى لحظات الحقيقة انك مش عارف انت مين و بتعمل فى الدنيا دى اية؟؟و جيت منين ورايح فين...
يعنى تكون نازل من بيتك و كل حاجة تمام نفس الشارع و عم على بتاع الفول بيبصلك و فى عنية تهديد انك رايح لابو نسمة بدل متجيلوا...و الست ام محمد قاعدة تشوشوش عليك وعلى غيرك والدنيا حر وانت فى عز الظهر ولابس اسود بكل غباء ومرة واحدة تلاقيك بردان اوى و فى شارع فاضى متعرفلوش ملامح و محدش حواليك انت عارفوا و كلهم بيكلموك عادى و مش فاكر انت رايح فين ولا جى منين ولا لية لابس خفيف فى المطرة دى ولا لية الفلوس دى بس هى الى معاك لا بطاقة ولا غيوا كدة انت و جنية و طقية فى بلاد اللة الواسعة...
يا مجنووووووووون...21 سنة من عمرك وانت فاكر انك عاقل و كول وان انت كدة على الطريق الصح ومرة واحدة تكتشف ان اصلا انت فى الهوا ومتعرفش اى حاجة فى اى حاجة وان انت فضلت فى مكانك والعالم بيتغير من حواليك وانت كدة فاكر ان انت الى بتتغير وبتغير...
قولى هتعمل اية دلوقتى وانت تايهة ووحيد و ضايع
يعنى تكون نازل من بيتك و كل حاجة تمام نفس الشارع و عم على بتاع الفول بيبصلك و فى عنية تهديد انك رايح لابو نسمة بدل متجيلوا...و الست ام محمد قاعدة تشوشوش عليك وعلى غيرك والدنيا حر وانت فى عز الظهر ولابس اسود بكل غباء ومرة واحدة تلاقيك بردان اوى و فى شارع فاضى متعرفلوش ملامح و محدش حواليك انت عارفوا و كلهم بيكلموك عادى و مش فاكر انت رايح فين ولا جى منين ولا لية لابس خفيف فى المطرة دى ولا لية الفلوس دى بس هى الى معاك لا بطاقة ولا غيوا كدة انت و جنية و طقية فى بلاد اللة الواسعة...
يا مجنووووووووون...21 سنة من عمرك وانت فاكر انك عاقل و كول وان انت كدة على الطريق الصح ومرة واحدة تكتشف ان اصلا انت فى الهوا ومتعرفش اى حاجة فى اى حاجة وان انت فضلت فى مكانك والعالم بيتغير من حواليك وانت كدة فاكر ان انت الى بتتغير وبتغير...
قولى هتعمل اية دلوقتى وانت تايهة ووحيد و ضايع
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