استغماية

"مسكتك"
وانا صغيرة كانت دى كلمة رعب لعبة الاستغماية مانا لو اتمسكت هجرى ورا كل العيال دى وعمرى مهعرف امسك حد اصل دى يعتبر انجاز ان 7 او اكتر بيجروا فى كل اتجاة وانت تمسك حد دة يعتبر ضربة حظ مش اكتر وفى الحظ انا مكنتش محظوظة وبالنسبة انى اجرى مع مبدا الى يجى فى الريش بقشيش انا ضايعة انا كان لازم اقف وافكر مين اقربلى ومين هيكسل يجرى ومين ممكن يقع ومين لازم اسيبة يجرى كدة لحد ميحس انوا برة اللعبة ويترجانى امسكة عشان يحس بروح اللعبة تانى ....بالنسبة لطفلة كان دة صداع وفيها اية انا اكبر واجرى هيبقى كل هدفى انى ابقى بعيد وانى اسرع بس لو حسيت بالخطر ...ايوة انا كنت ومازلت مملة مبحبش المفاجات ولما ملقيش حد اغلس علية اغلس على نفسى :]:]
ووجة الشبة واضح مهى الحياة دى لعبة بس على كبيرة شوية وكلوا بيجرى ورا كلوا ومعظموا عايز نفس الحاجة باختلاف الشكل واللون لكن المضمون واحد احنا بنجرى من حاجة لحاجة وانا عمرى مفكرت انا بجرى من اية عشان كنت مشغولة وعينى على الى بجرى لية..
واة لو حد منا بس فكر يعرف فى اية كان ممكن يوصل وممكن اخد بالوا ان معظمهم الى بيجروا منوا هو الى بيجروا لية ....وعجبى
وانا جريت من ماضى صعب ماضى متعب لحاضر انا زينتوا وفى كل خطوة اكتشف انى لازم ارجع ورا خطوتين عشان اتقدم خطوة لقدام ايوة الماضى كان ومازال بيندة عليا لما عشتوا اكتر من مرة ومتقدرش تقولى انسى ...اصل انسى ازاى والحاضر طالب منى اوراق الماضى الشخصية...
جريت من ام ضعيفة غلبانة و اقدر اقول غبية بحكم الظروف واب مريض بالهجر والبعد عمروا محب ومش شايف انوا بيتحب وهجر وضياع وبيت دمار و3 بنات بتعافر عشان تعيش من غير متحس..القهر والظلم والقسوة بقت امر مفروض علينا وام شايفة انوا واقعنا ولازم نتقبلة ...
يعنى اية حد يضمنى..يعنى اية كلمة عادية فى موقف معين تحسيسنى ان فى حد جنبى ..يعنى اية امان؟؟؟لمسة حنينة نظرة انا فاهم من غير متكلم.. جريت من دة بالانكار وان دة عادى وانى مش محتاجاة جريت لفسح وخروج وضحك ملوش طعم وسعادة مؤقتة عشان الاقينى ادام واقع بيقول انى ممكن احب وانى ممكن اعمل زى م ماما عملت انى ممكن اقلل من نفسى وان يكون عندى ثقة فى بنى ادم وانا عارفة ان الاحتمال الاكبر انى انتهى فى اوضة لبسة شيك جدا وبعيط مستنية الفرج وميجيش وانى معنديش مانع انى احب ل 2 بعد مكنت بقول ان هلاقى الى يحبنى كفاية لينا احنا الاثنين...انى معنديش مانع ان انا كمان ايتنى الفرج والاقى نفسى فى البعد تعبانة وفى القرب تعبانة...

فضلت اجرى وابعد واتذاكى واتحايل وفى الاخر اانا الجانى والضحية نفسى بتجرى ورا نفسى عشان فى الاخر الاقى نفسى بتقولى"مسكتك"
السؤال هقبل الواقع ولا هرجع اجرى تانى ...هقبل واتعامل ولا هرفض امشى طريق انا معنديش استعداد اجربة عشان خوفى من النهاية المتوقعة...وبعدين اروح فين من الحقيقة اتخبى من الواقع تحت اى كرسى؟؟
اروح فين من نفسى؟؟

MORNING

u look so nice my love in jeans u always find ur way to look unique wiz my short pink dress we can match ...TV sometimes i think he married it oh really does anyone wake up that handsome i wish only he look at me once or may be not i dont think i can handle it nw..
oh at last she is up pair foot she is driving me crazy i wish only she do what is right for once drinking coffe on empty stomic cant she just wait till her eyes r fully opened ..here we go nw she will hit something and act like it didnt hurt :):)and if i told her that she can set until she is awake she will start saying she is and acting like it will bring more injuries i will hold my peace..
i wounder wt is he thinking about right nw??should i say goodmorning ah i dont wanna talk i just wanna go to bed again may be i should set down and i gotta take care ''ouch''this table am fine am fine am fine ..wt is he smiling about its not funny :)

eye contact she is a baby i married to alittle girl i wish she never grow up..here she come i wish she set right beside me i love when she do it ...

ok i will just lay my head on him for sec. he wont mind ....so warm so relaxing am falling to sleep again am i ??

sleeping wiz the coeffe in her hands :) GOD

ZZZZZzZzZzZzZzzZzZzZZzZZZZZzZZzzZz

peaceful ...so tender she look tired she never get enough sleep well i never get enough sleep she is always up ...may be i should drug her :P:P i should try to move her to bed slowly slowly oh hope she doesnt wake up from the coach to the bed room 10 steps with her in my arms its a journy hope she hold on ..
here we go easy to the bed slowly pulling my arm oh she openeing her eyes yes ,,no,,,yes ,,,may be "go to slee" l

"GOOD MORNING"

clear with myself

i need to tell u this my friend ..i didnt find the right moment to tell u that one day when i was outwith my friend havin launch she left me to get the order and then a girl and boy set next to me and the girl voice was so loud talking and she seemed happy actually that she didint notice,,
she was saying that she doesn't talk so much and she is calm its her nature,, and i smiled the loud girl is calm but wtever...as we set for an hour or so actually she didint stop talking and not once i heared the boy's voice and as we leaving i laughed and my friend asked why and i told her u know that girl was saying that she doesnt talk much and hate it...my friend laughed she said what???!!!
i did remembered then how i used to tell u that and talk and talk ...i felt bad i did the same thing and i tried to convince myself that words was all we have and ofcourse i must talk when i called u then why didi i called at the first place???
my friend i wanna tell u that i hated when u heared my dad's voice i hated when i had to deal with him when u was with me on the phone coz see am trying to convince myself that am agood girl and i do respect my family but my actions said otherwise i couldnt tell u that coz u would be like >>then why u do it ?or u would think am trying to prove that am good and u would say something like u r sure and u know it but its not about only u its about me too and i didnt feel so our actions define alot of who we are and my actions said am not who i think iam ...
i did think alot about us and my sis said to me as am saying to her that i dont wanna take path just coz its easy and she told me that i should try the right one ...u was right so right in the wrong way...
as i was in the middle of emotions and actions i was going crazy while u said to me u feel bad when i show u the pic and u wont do that again i couldnt get it i was so tired and u saying stuff and leave when i said go and u hate the way i did say sorry but i really needed to know wt would u do if i didnt say it would u choose never to deal with me ??it was so easy for u to push me out and i know how hard was it for u but u did it once and GOD i cant tell u how much it hurted me as am trying to be the strong girl and the time we argue on the phone u didint call i had to ask first and days go by i dont hear from u ...did u care???i cant ask u
i didnt let anything go ..its all with me and some days easier than other but u were in all of them
i hate it when ppl say "its not u its me "..(coz really if it was u why u would drag somebody in this its not fair )so i wont say it but i didnt let anything go u were there and u r everywhere..i had u in my life and u were on the plan wiz me and u were in the airport that day i come i had u in my head and i talk to u all the time more and more i can say but u got it..
i had u in my dreams last night and its not just my head coz it was abeautiful dream and my mom said its great for who ever u are i wish u will always be as i saw u ...

i wanna u the right way

i love travelling and seeing new places ..coz in the new place i can dream about new things i can fit places with ppl and play with my mind and what i love most closing my eyes on the road while air hit me slowly even if its sunny but still :)

i love walking beside the nile i have been crossin it for 4 years but this year was the first time i notice how great to stand there and watch it ...it makes everything calm like race and while evryone screaming and moving while everything loud and active u r the only one closing ur eyes and turning the voice down hussssssssssssssh ...hear nothing think of nothing just enjoy the moment..

yes it is one moment and as am opening my eyes and lookin around i hit the truth that u r not here any more and as am holding my mobile lookin at it and holding back trying to convince myself that is life go on and wt am in to and wt an doing only in my head the devil cant let me be he wants me doing things that i will regret

yes i will regret calling u after i have choosen the way the road with out u in it not that i prefer it but i dont wanna do it the wrong way i wanna be in ur arms fter along conversation i wanna see u winng my heart wiz ur techniques nd smile i wanna u the right way..

cant stop

i just cant stop..its wt i have been thinking about lately,i cant control me no more ideas see sometimes its ok but nw am starting to hurt ppl and that even worse. but i just can stop or my when am alone and sufferin depression its fine by me i could survive after days or weeks i know i will get out of in some time but nw am not sure am going 2 get out wiz out some series loosin and injures to me and other.. its everyone deserve a happy live sign and i was living alife befor wiz up and down moments but for awhile i have been livin asad life.one i cant breath in and cant even fake asmile..my head try more than once 2 explode..i havent been that sad befor and i havent cry as much as i do.. i hear in holiday season ppl commited suicid more than other time but i have never think about it i just nw know why..to me feast was never aspecial time or anything it was alwayes normal time for me its just that time we dont go to school in SO WT i never asked for that to change and dont get me wrong am not askin that nw am jst feelin that maybe coz its feast i should at least feel as i did in da past not that sad and lonly i feel like iam pressured between 2 metal doorsand i have to hide that from everybody and yet dont forget the sweet happy smile.. the most hurtful thing when i see happy ppl around me and believe me in holiday season ppl are around alot..some wanna have fun ,other r having fun,me i dont even desire fun,and that just kill me slowly..even my desire my hope for fun even the spirit in me has been dead??? i just cant stop i started to be agressive wiz ppl around me coz i started to feel bad and sad so sad and after alook i descovered that they r happy and trying to be and its all on me to provide the time and things and apply ther demands and at the end of the day am the one i cant close my eyes from akiilin pain in my leg or my head or worth in my heart.. teras some time dont comfort me they dont wanna go and other they alot thet headche stays for awhile and the worse the same ppl who is doing this doesnt notice that they doing that doesnt notice that wiz out wt am doing some things will change and they take me as granted as iam doing nothing and nothing is gonna be..when i open my mouth to talk they litterely but they hand on their ears or saying out loud lalalala and other they loud their voice wiz wt in their mind wt i can say they have somethings in commen..i havent hit the bottom yet they tend to tell me wt even to say not asingle move or word pass in peace alwayes something wrong ALWAYES cant they even notice...again i try to talk and i cant even finish my word.... i just cant stop ''ana msh mabsota at all nw'' is wt my sis was sayin 2day and my head startin to go crazy she is not happy NW coz she cant find anyone bringin her pepsi nad for real she is started to act sad i couldnt believe it how about me was the thing i thinked about instant wt about me ...am the one who is standin here trying to fix things 4 u and ur friend so u could have agood time actually i didnt do it coz she have agood time but i did it coz its amust i did it wiz out thinkin and so on wiz action may seem small but wiz great affect i just cant stop notice how asmall cut may hurt more than abig one?and some scratshes may have longer to recover...my reaction to wt is going around me after havin 2 depression sleppin days that i started to act badly 2wards them when they dont deserve even some dont do anything and i start to blame every little thing aorund me even the tv..huh i just cant stop i feel bad every night after the day is over,,every one i talked wiz made him/her sad every thing i did was missin something coz i wasnt in da mood i swear that in da end of the day my head is being so painful to me and i cant imagine that they r mad at me they have the right but wt about me WT ABOUT ME i cant make anyone happy even me,,,i can help no one ans still am in pain i express my emotion so wrongly and act so long in da way to resist and i just cant stop i cant think of a solution nw or anything i just wanna all out i cant even find the point of wt am writing i cant teach the lesson or get it..so may be i have aprayer i do pray for ashinnin star alight from so far can help me to fly and away i will try asmile i will find in corner in my life and maybe alaugh..i will be able to talk and be heared and my silent words will be get i will find my peace and i could finally breath and close my eyes and the wind will carry me open my arms and wind tinkle me spin around,,,and when i open my eyes i find my corner got wider wiz green trees and white pink roses and calm voices every wherewhisper in my ear ur happy ur away and i just cant stop dreamin and prayin the someday my dream will be true...

مش هقدر ولا هكون

my new pain doesnt make the old one easier it just reminde me of it and so i start new series of pain when i was 4 that happened then this and nw i have thoes,,, افكارى مش بتاخدنى لاى مكان عادة بكون بحاول انام بيقولوا لكل قصة عبرة وان لازم تكون افكاراك بنائة وانك تخرج من كل قصة بحكمة ومن كل تجربة بدرس وانك لازم توصل لمكان ما..وسبحان اللّة يا اخى بفضل بردوا فى السرير مكانى و لا بلاقينى رحت باريس .طوكيو ولا حتى اسوان ولا جنب الترعة مثلا اهى بردوا خروجة... لا فى السرير مكانى كل الى زاد مشاعر تخنق الحجر و دموع مش عايزة تنزل و دماغ هتنفجر و عقل مش قادر يصدق حتى مش عارف يدور على اى حاجة تخرجنا من الى احنا فية دة مفيش عبرة مفيش درس ةلا حكمة فى واقع ملموس و حقيقة متقدرش تهرب منها اصل هتروح على فين اذا كان الشىء الوحيد الحر فيك لما سبتوا ينطلق راح لاماكن ظلمة وعتمة فات عليها سنين ينبش فى الماضى و يلاقى التشابة والاصعب فى الحاضر و فى الوقت دة تلاقى الامل بيقول يا فكييييييييييك...مستقبل اية بقى اصل وانا صغيرة كنت دايما اقول بكرة احلى بكرة هيكون و بكرة هيتغير و لزيادة عن 10 سنين بكرة دة متاخر و فضل يتاخر و فضلت استنا لما زهقنا انا و الامل فبصراحة اطلقت سراحة و انا فتحت عنيا... ولما اقول هتهون بتصعب و لما اقول انا بقيت اقوى الاقينى اضعف و بحاول لكن بغلط و بجرب و ولا بينفع والضغط بيزيد و تلاقى كل الى حوليك مستنى انك انت الى تتنازل و انت الى تسكت ويا ريت و لما تتكلم تقول الى عيزينوا و مش شيفين حاجة غيرهم صحيح انا كمان مش شايفة غيرى و بفكر فى الى بيجرالى بس بضغط على انهم ميضغطوش عليا و دة بالنسبالهم عدم رضا بقضاء اللّة و قدرة....ولا حول ولا قوة الا باللّة تتسال لما تشوف بنت زيى كل حاجة من برة تمام و كول و كل الناس تتكلم وتوصف وتقول فى الى يحسد وفى الى بتعجب و دلوقتى انا اضحك من جوة على هبل الناس من برة شايفينى مبسوطة؟؟ومتدلعة و امورة؟؟شيفينى كول و على الموضة؟و عندى اب و ام وكتكوتة؟؟شيفنى غنية ومش مسئولة والعيون دى اكيد مبتدمعش بسهولة؟؟ يمكن بس مش كل حاجة مظبوطة و انا بدفع ثمن غالى لحاجات مش معقولة...وان العيون الى مبتدمعش معاها شافايف مبتضحكش و نفسية مكبوتة وبنت مش مبسوطة و بعدين و نهاية قصة الحزن و باب الشفقة على الذات الى مش عايز يخلص دة اية و بقول اسبوع كتير بردوا يا ريرى امتى هتروقى و تضحكى و تفوقى؟؟لو الناس دى غلطت فيكى حقك عليا غلابة مش لاقيين غيرك يروقوة لتكبّرى لتتهورى وتخسرى و تتشردى عجبنى انا موضوع السجع دة لة تاثير السحر على نفسى و لعل و عسى يكون لة تاثير على ريرى... وكان الابتسامة بقت طلب و استئذان مش حق و بة لا يستهان و كان الضحكة بقت طى الكتمان سكوووووووووووت اصلها ممكن تبان و على فين رايح انت يا فلان بقلب مجروح و عين عايزة تنام ..على بلاد الاحزان حر انت يا انسان تعمل الى انت عايزة وترجع ندمان و هيهات ان ريرى تستكان.. انا خايفة...مرعوبة...مش شايفة اى امل ولا اى حلوا و بحاول اخرج من الى انا فية بس بجد مش معقول و كل مرة الحمل يزيد ميقلش و دلوقتى مبنمش غير و انا حزينة انا فعلا مش مبسوطة و بحاول واللّة لكن باين مش مكتوبة...هو بقى حرام انى اكون مرتاحة ولا ان يوم يعدى كدة براحة وهداوة هو انا الغلط ولا الناس ولا الظروف و متقوليش كل دول عشان انا كدة هتوة و بجد مش قادرة و مش هقدر وولا هكون... ضاعت الابتسامة من العيون و اتلت دموع انا مش هقدر ولا هكون وبتنهيدة و حزن مالى الصدور اتمايلت و انا بقول انا مش هقدر ولا هكون

اختار ام احتار

عند مفترق الطريق اقف فماذا اختار و كيف اعرف اتجاهى ولا اعرف ذاتى وذاتى تختار...
فهنا يرقد الاعجاب و الطفولة والشباب هنا الحاضر يلعب ويغنى هنا انا طفلة والموسيقى صاخبة هنا يختفى العقل ويرقص الجنون..
ام هناك فالشوق والحماسة فى تناغم تام وابتسامتى تفضحها عيناى هنا العقل يفكر ويستمتع وينتظر فى ترقف المستقبل واستمتع بالمجهول فى صمت وأنا والغموض اصدقاء...
ايهما اختار فالاختيار بين الاختيار والاحتيار اتعبنى واطلم دنياى حتى ان الرجوع من حيث ماجئت بات امرا فى الحسبان فالطريقان محيران وانا اهلكنى الظلام واريد نورا كى استمر فى الحياة ...
من كان يعلم ان نعمة الختيار تبقينى فى شقاء ام اتمنى زوال نعمة يتمنى غيرى وجودها ام ترانى ازيد من حيرتى فها انا امام الطريقان ...
حزينة انا وبيداى تقطعت سبلى وانمحت خطاى.. وفى الرجوع التوهان فلقد اكل الحمام خبزى ساظل اعيش فى احلامى حاضرى و مستقبلى فلا استطيع ان اغامر بالجرح او بالاختيار ومن الواضح ان الحل هو ان احتار..